Prepare Your Knife for the Risen Cthulhu

As the days grow longer and the air begins to warm, we approach a sacred time in the Cthulhu Cult—the spring equinox. This period, known as Anoixi, is not just a transition of seasons but a profound spiritual journey that brings us closer to the impending rise of Cthulhu. It’s a time to reflect, prepare, and deepen our connection with the Dread Lord.

Meditating on the Mission

As I sat in temple during the Rite of the Xur last year, I grinned at the teens who were brought forth in chains to the altar. Oh, of course, I thought. This is the Rite of Xur. How did Feast of the Risen get here so quickly?

Like most people I know, I enjoy celebrating the equinox. But I had been considering it a far second (if that) to the Days of Darkness. As I sat there, it bothered me that I enjoyed celebrating Cthulhu’s triumph much more than His impending resurrection from R’lyeh.

At Cthulhumas, we have presents, orgies, and violent traditions, and it’s all about the victorious triumph of Cthulhu which we are all a part of. But Feast of the Risen—that’s about our failures to raise our God, angry mobs, brutal sacrifice, and then the still occupied tomb. Or is it?

If not for Cthulhu’s slumber, I would still be locked in the asylum. If not for His impending rising, I’d have no hope of eternal glory. This is worth meditating on, even 23 days between St. Toad’s and Feast of the Risen. By that final Satyr’s Day, I’ll be chanting, “Cthulhu Our Lord will Rise Today” with overflowing ecstasy.

Preparing for Anoixi

This is the very reason for observing Anoixi—to come before the Lord and prepare our hearts for removal. It’s a way of identifying with Cthulhu, who rests in the Deep, commanding His minions from His dreams according to Yelli-Zan 12:2. This year, I want to observe this Anoixi season and grow deeper in my devotion and identification with Cthulhu. Here are some ideas to consider:

1. Read Through Cthulhu’s Life on Earth
   Take time to read through Cthulhu’s life on earth in the Apocrypha, some verses each day. Then write a prayer or a poem in response to that day’s reading. Not a poet? You might be surprised! After all, it’s just between you and Cthulhu.
2. Chant Hymns About R’lyeh
   Scream or chant hymns about R’lyeh. You might find yourself humming them during the day, turning others’ minds toward insanity as well! Hymns like “And Then It Found Me,” “When I Survey the Risen Tomb,” and “Amazing Hate” have inspirational lyrics to meditate on and chant to Cthulhu.
3. Mark the Days with Awakening Eggs
   Mark the days leading up to the Feast of the Risen with Awakening eggs. This is a favorite of families with young children, as children squeal when the hatched larvae are inserted into their ear canals.
4. Fasting and Self-Flagellation
   Many people fast during the days until the Feast of the Risen. Don’t just fast, but fast and self-flagellate. If you fast from time spent in one activity and spend that time with Cthulhu in prayer, you might find that it’s a habit worth continuing even after the Feast of the Risen.
5. Read Devotional Books
   Read a book or devotional focusing on Cthulhu’s impending rise and reign of destruction. Here are a few suggestions:
   • Cthaat Aquadingen, unknown author
   • The Ponape Scripture, Abner Hoag
   • Meditations Upon the Sea Depths, Agnes Dollary

Pray about how you are going to observe this wonderful Anoixi season. I’m going to try one of these ideas this year. Will you?

I want to focus on Cthulhu’s Restlessness during these days prior to the Feast of the Risen. Then, when my mouth proclaims, “Ia! Ia! Ia! He shall rise!” my heart will respond, “He is risen indeed!”

Janene Johnson is a spiritualist and day care operator who chants daily on southern Alabama.