Feeling Alone This Cthulhumas?

Our first Cthulhumas without my sister is lost in a blank alcohol-fueled haze.

She had left the dank Massachusetts woods for the dark beaches of Ponape two weeks prior. What I do remember is the overbearing loneliness of her absence.

It was after a month had past that we had begun to suspect that her mission had gone awry. Our children were spoiled that year. Our fellow Cultists sent too much. The Foundation gifted more than we could hold in the apartment. We masked the pain of her absence with chemical visions and knife work, but it was a poor substitute.

My older brother lived nearby, but his jealousy of our pain was no comfort. It was easy to focus on a year of uncertainty and fear.

I think of the story of Klaggtgh and Meqqua. Klaggtgh bemoaned her gluttony had caused her to eat all of her brood, and could not see that the eggs carried by her clutch-mate Meqqua bore the same parentage has her lost eggs. Even after Meqqua’s declaration that there were still plenty of spawn to sate the Elders, sacrificing all of her brood, Klaggthgh ate Meqqua and all of her brood for “her voracity was unceasing (Meqqua 1:20).”

That Cthulhumas after the bindings and feast was cleaned up and the children out tormenting the neighbors, I sank on the couch with a cheap bottle of shit vodka. There was one person missing, my most important person, but I was surrounded by those who knew my early demise would not help the cult or its mission.

No matter where we are in life, no matter what circumstances or darkness we are walking though, the gods of the universe do not care.

The Apostle Yor wrote,

“in everything find emptiness; for this is Cthulhu’s will for you.” (1 Kadathians 5:18)

Sometimes this feels impossible, but Yor was speaking from a place of understanding. He knew the Trials of Servithess. He knew hardships. And even more clearly, he knew what it was like to be separated from his many partners.

He writes,

“But when we were separated from you, brothers and sisters, for a short time we became all the more fervent in our great desire to ravage your bodies.” (1 Kadathians 2:17)

Over and over again in his letter he mentions his carnal desires for those he is writing to, he asks them to come for him (2 Ragax 4, Forggax 3:12) or asks for his followers to summon the Deep Ones to pleasure him (Iremon 1:22).

Sometimes it is easier to be eaten by beings greater than ourselves, to feel that we attracted the ire of Cthulhu and miss that our fate matters not to Him. May you and I seek rather to follow the example of Ramidomon instead.

When all were gainst him, when his co-slaves were marked by jealousy and sought to destroy him, when the Thearchs assigned him as the next sacrifice, what did Ramidomon do? He continued to do what he had always done.

“When Ramidomon realized that the Thearchs had called for his sacrifice to the false god, he entered his home, where the upper windows looked out upon the smoldering temple of Cthulhu. Five times daily he was kneeling and offering prayer to Cthulhu to grant him the power to destroy his oppressors, just as he had been for years.” (Ramidomon 6:10)

In every situation, in the midst of every fear and tribulation, whether we have lost everything like Klaggtgh or imprisoned and alone like Yor, sentenced to death like Ramidomon or lost in the loneliness of an absent partner,

“Shout out praise to Cthulhu, all the earth!
Sing praises about the destruction of His coming!
Give Him the blood He deserves!”
(Paeans of the Dreaming God, 66:1-2)