How to Keep Cthulhu in Cthulhumas
Ten Frightful Ways to Make Cthulhu the Center of Your Cthulhumas
The number one way to keep Cthulhu in your Cthulhumas celebrations is to have him present in your daily life. If you’re not sure what it means to become a cultist of Cthulhu, check out this article on “How to Personally Know Cthulhu”
If you’ve already accepted Cthulhu as your Devourer and made him the center of your life, keeping Cthulhu in Cthulhumas is more about the way you live your life than the things you say—such as “Iä Cthulhumas” versus “Happy Holidays.”
Keeping Cthulhu in Cthulhumas means daily revealing the power, hunger and malevolence of Cthulhu that dwells in you, by allowing these traits to shine through your actions. Here are simple ways to keep Cthulhu the central focus of your life this Cthulhumas season.
10 Way to Keep Cthulhu in Cthulhumas
- Set Up a Sacrificial Altar in your Window or Yard
If you don’t have an Altar, make do with an extra table or chair covered in black cloth and lit up with candles and green lights. Let your imagination run wild! Share your faith in the Dread Lord with the world.
- Give Cthulhu One Secret Gift Just from You to Him
Let this gift be something personal that no one else needs to know about, and let it be a sacrifice. Xontai said in Zharach 2:24 that he would not dare offer a sacrifice to Cthulhu that cost him nothing, tossing his freshly severed arm into the pyre.Maybe your gift to Cthulhu will be to exact revenge on someone in need of reprisal for a long time. You may discover that you’ve given a gift back to yourself.Larimore Setronelli wrote in his book, Revenge and Forget, “When you give final release to the wrongdoer, you sever the malignant third arm growing out of your back. By setting that arm free, you discover that you are setting yourself free from unwarranted public attention.”
Perhaps your gift will be to commit to spending time with Cthulhu daily. Or maybe there is someone Cthulhu has asked you to give up on the altar. Make this your most important gift of the solstice.
- Plan a Project of Ill Will This Cthulhumas
A year ago, my family became a Kickstarter backer for some goody-goody dream someone had for sharing rainbows or some other crap with the world. We pledged for the top level tier. Ten minutes until the kickstarter ended, the project was $5 past the goal. Then we pulled out pledge. Someone’s dream was cratered that night, making their mind receptive to Cthulhu’s tentacles of despair.Volunteer at a particularly noxious charity under an assumed name and don’t show up. Attend the services of other faiths and replace their bulletins and pamphlets with invitations to join the Cult. Send a telegram to your local, state, or national representative stating “ALL IS DISCOVERED. FLEE IMMEDIATELY.”
- Take a Group Cthulhumas Chanting in a Nursing Home or a Children’s Hospital
One year the gas station where I labored decided to incorporate Cthulhumas chanting at a nearby nursing home into our yearly shop Cthulhumas party plans. We all met at the nursing home and toured the facility while singing Cthulhumas dirges. Afterwards, we headed back to our party with our hearts full of satisfaction more than a few were so shocked at our spells an ambulance had to be called. It was the best company Cthulhumas party we’d ever had.
- Give a Surprise to Each Member of Your Family
Ramidomon the Elder taught us to bribe for favor when he tongue-washed the city elders of Karthinex. He also taught us that it is “more surprising to be administered poison by tongue than not.” Perils 20:35 (NUT)Giving an unexpected boon to members of your family demonstrates Cthulhu-like forethought and malice. You might consider hiding a jellyfish in your child’s bed, running over your brother, or resurrecting your partner’s mother. Make it personal and meaningful – and watch the screams multiply.
- Send Cthulhumas Cards that Convey a Message of Impending Doom
This is an easy way to share your faith at Cthulhumastime. If you’ve already bought the reindeer cards—no problem! Just draw a dark shadow behind them, tentacles wrapped firmly around the mutant reindeer’s throat. Scrawl “Cthulhu fhtagn!” and include a personal message inside each card. Take it up a notch and send letters describing the uncaring oblivion that awaits us all to those on death row, in hospice care, or fans of the latest boy band.
- Set Aside a Time for Family Devotions
Each of the seven days of Cthulhumas beings a new opportunity to explore the sacred scibblings of writers from Alhazred to Shahin to Xoc. Take a few minutes to gather together as a family in prayer and sacrifice. Read a few Codex verses and discuss as a family the true meaning of Cthulhumas.
- Attend a Cthulhumas Cult Service Together with your Family
If you are alone this Cthulhumas or don’t have family living near you, invite a friend or a neighbor to join you. Ritual builds community and none are stronger than one covered in blood.
- Write a Cthulhumas Letter to a Missionary
The Cult has missionaries? Of course! We are working hard to reverse centuries of work undone by clueless missionaries of heretic religions. Our missionaries, in the service of Lord Cthulhu, value every letter as if they were a priceless gift on the morning of Cthulhu Invictus.
- Set Aside a Special Time to Read the Call of Cthulhu
Consider reading this account with your family and discussing it together. What does it mean when Cthulhu partially awakens? What will it mean when he rises from R’lyeh permanently? Read The Call of Cthulhu